DAISY’S DIRY

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Dear World Outside

The Hooman has at last left Inside, wearing her bouncy big-shoes (the ones where you have to watch your tail), so Bird and me are going to try to write our first diry entry. Or at least Bird tells me she is going to be the writer, like Hooman, and I am going to bong and bing the letters out as best I can. I asked why it had to be she who was writer and me and my nose who had to bong and bing, and Bird said it is because she is older and bigger than me, and everyone knows black cats are the smartest. From each according to their ability, says Bird, that is what Soshlists believe; and I am but little sister whose tail is on the wrong way round. Also without Plittikal Wareness.

The reason for the diry is that we think Something Odd is going on out there, and Bird says it is important we record it for Cats of Posterity.  And we think this because Hooman is most unexpeck most unecks is always here. There is no more going off after our breakfast to the Libree, there is no coming home with treats, she is just always here, here, here. Oh says Bird, for the days when she was left in peace with great thoughts and I was left in peace with Mousie and Toy Box. Hooman is now not only always here but seems to be unable to walk past either of us without picking us up for cuddle. What happened to Kitty Quiet Time, Hooman? I don’t think I got more than four uninterrupted naps this morning!

Also, Hooman has been doing squeaky thing, and when she picked me up yesterday in middle of squeaky thing, she was being leaky too – eeugh! Aaargh! Apparently the thing that had upset her and made her squeaky was news that Monster is Stuck In MERICA For MONTHS. We are quite fond of Monster, Bird and me, as he means Double Laps, and Four-Handed Stroking, mmmmmm, but he also means we all have to share Bed. We are happy to share Bed with Hooman, but Monster takes up too much room and means Bird and I end up on Sofa. So him being Stuck In MERICA For MONTHS seems like Not Bad Thing to us, especially as CatGod knows, it looks like there will be plenty of naps we have to catch up on. I appreciate that Monster matters to Hooman at least almost half as much as we do, but was it really necessary to kiss me so hard my top whiskers not only got wet, but bent as well?

So far as we can tell, all this is due to fact that Outside there is now thing called Bloody Carniverus. What Bloody Carniverus might be we have no idea (sort of Dog, maybe?), but Bird says she thinks he/it/they is reason why no Monster, and also why no Kitty Quiet Time, so is clearly Very Bad Thing. So it is a bit worrying when Hooman is out there in same place as it, even if she does have bouncy big-shoes on, to run away. Without her, who will serve up Crunchies, and whose head will I sleep on? Also Hooman is a bit off her cushion today, like me when I have had too much Nip, as she gave us extra treats before she went out without remembering we’d had them already. To each according to her needs said Bird, but my need is for Hooman to do chin rubs and find Mousie when Mousie has got stuck under Chair and what if Hooman gets lost too, because out there is HUGE. And now I need to pee.

Oh meow! Hooman has returned! She came running into bathroom while I was still in litter-box to wash hand-things. Excuse me, Hooman! ‘It’s like Twenty-Eights Days Later out there,’ she said, (which is? What cat can tell?) as I did my best to ignore her and finish pee with dignity. ‘Only without the zombies. Everyone’s in masks like Hannibal Lecter.’ (Again, we have no idea.) She had brought big bottle back with her, which went into fridge. ‘There may be no loo-roll,’ she declared, seizing Bird and bending Bird’s top whiskers for a change, ‘there may be no pasta, but as long as we have pinot grigio, we’ll survive, little ladies won’t we? Now, who hasn’t had any treats yet this morning?’

ME! we both said, at once. I’m telling you, completely off her cushion. Eeeps!

TO BE CONTINUED….

 

FABULOUS FINN On meeting a hero

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I’ve met the odd celeb in my time, and I have to say, in general, doing so has been a mistake. With the exception of the actor Rutger Hauer, spotted walking incognito across a piazza in Venice and looking every bit as tall and as well-put-together as he does in the original Blade Runner, male celebs always turn out to be a good foot shorter than you had them in your head, and female celebs, older, and far, far more disillusioned-looking. If offered the chance to meet one of my human idols these days, as a cynical lady d’un certain age, I’m not sure I would say ‘Yes’. You grow older, your illusions become more precious, not less, and I’d sooner keep the few I still have intact. But Finn – Fabulous Finn – is an exception for me as he is for every soul lucky enough to have him lie down obediently before them, and modestly turn the best side of his muzzle to the click and whirr of the camera-phone.

Finn is the police dog who made Simon Cowell cry. Finn is the (now retired) police dog who saved the life of his handler, Dave Wardell, when they were threatened by a knife-wielding robber, and who was almost killed in doing so. Finn is the inspiration behind Finn’s Law, Parts 1. #FinnsLawPart2 will mean that anyone who harms or abuses any animal will face up to 5 years in jail, and would be law already if it weren’t for the idiocies of Brexit and the hiccup of the last general election. The second 2nd vote on Finn’s Law Part 2 is now taking place this summer, which means that Finn (and Dave) are still canvassing support. Which is why I found myself recently standing outside Westminster Hall, on one of those soft grey wet afternoons that can’t make up its mind if it’s spring yet or winter still, with about 40 different MPS of every kind of political stamp, all waiting to be photographed with the four-legged hero of the hour.

The most ancient evidence we have of our social interaction with animals is of interaction with a dog. I say ‘social interaction’ because as an historian you’re meant to be objective and analytical, but really, what that evidence displays is a relationship so modern, yet so timeless, and so bound into our human ideals of trust and love and companionship that to try to present it as anything other than human-animal owner and animal-animal pet is ridiculous. If you’re one of the readers of my last book, The Animal’s Companion, then you’ll know this already: the evidence I’m talking about comes from what was the muddy floor of a cave in France, and comes in the now-fossilized form of a track of twinned foot and paw-prints from 26,000 years ago. The footprints belonged to a little boy, maybe nine or ten years old, and the paw-prints belonged to his dog; and the little boy had taken his dog with him into the cave because caves are dark and scary places and a dog (and a torch, from which we can carbon-date their adventure) is the basic human survival kit. Just as it was for Constable Dave Wardell.

Our two-legged human instincts have been pretty much screwed over the ages by the two-legged human brain. We ascribe all sorts of virtues to human beauty, for example, seeing good in what is merely good-looking over and over again – hence my rapturous delight in spotting one of my favourite heartthrobs in Venice all those years ago. I was taking it absolutely for granted that anyone who looked that good must be that good – a premium member of my species, in other words. But animal instincts, dog instincts in particular, remain instincts worth having. What we would call Finn’s bravery and heroism in saving his handler was no such thing to Finn himself, it was simply innate in him to protect, because a threat to one of them was a threat to both of them – to the human-animal unit of which Finn sees himself as being part. He read the intention, saw the knife, (first, says Dave – way before Dave himself realized what it was), and did exactly what the dog in the cave would have done all those thousands of years ago had some threat come out of the darkness there – he leapt to the defence.

Now we too do this, some of us, sometimes. In us it’s called altruism, selflessness, courage, all very good things, and all the tip of human behaviour at its most virtuous and evolved. And right now there are any number of animals out there that need that behaviour from us, and need laws that will safeguard them from its opposite. But we need that behaviour and those laws as well, because we’re at the point where there really has to be a step-change in the way we think of and relate to the animal world.

Here we sit, all of us, every one, worldwide, waiting to find out if Covid 19 is going to become a pandemic; and where did Covid 19 come from? A food-market in China, where live animals, wild and domestic, are kept in the nastiest and most uncaring of conditions until they are butchered and sold for food. And while they are so kept, unsurprisingly, they get sick, and the pathogens making them sick then merely have to slide from fur and snout and blood to hand to mouth to get into us as well. The same thing may well have happened in France in 1918, where a strain of the H1N1 flu virus managed to jump from the slaughterhouses needed to feed the troops to the troops themselves.  That was the Spanish flu; maybe 50 million of us died of it. Maybe twice that number. If we treat the animal world and its inhabitants badly, it comes back to bite us every single time. You really would think we’d have learned that by now. And Finn’s Law matters not only because it’s a piece of legislation that should have been in place long ago, it matters because it’s symbolic of the step-change we so desperately need, because what harms an animal harms us, too. But what safeguards them makes the world a better place for every creature in it – us included.

 

 

 

 

 

HEY NONNY? NO! On misbehaving wildlife

Despite all that Ciara and Dennis could come up with between them, the wildlife in E14 has heard the call of Spring, and once heard, never forgotten. No matter that the waves on the dock outside my front window have whitecaps, that the spiders who live on the window have all huddled in the corners of the frames, that the trees in the garden are almost horizontal in the wind; furred or feathered, one and all, they know what season it is, and what they are meant to be getting up to in it.

It all makes for some truly shocking public misbehavior.

Reynard – where in London is there not a Reynard, I ask you? – goes trotting down the quayside of an evening, tail bushed and whiskers twitching; and just in case the fact that this is date-night somehow slips his mind, Mrs Reynard, or Mrs Reynard-to-be, rather, serenades us from the centre of the garden at 1am, sat there on her haunches as if she owned the place, shrieking ‘I want a boyfriend and I want him now!’ Cue the snapping on of lights all over the building, the wailing of children startled from their slumbers, and AirBnBers staggering out onto their balconies, peering down into the darkened garden, trying to identify the spot from which the desperate shrieks and screams are issuing and what on earth it is, down there, that can be producing them. Last time it happened, some newby, uninitiated in the ways of London wildlife, and convinced that somewhere down there in the garden, murder was being done, actually called the police. We all got back to bed at three-ish. Hey ho.

Then there are the seagulls. It’s too windy for them out at sea, so the dock at present is thick with them, squabbling and yawping, and performing the kind of aerial ballet just outside the windows guaranteed to drive a kitty-cat insane. Bird – by far the smarter of my two felines – hunkers down and watches them entranced, nothing moving but the ears; but Daisy (smaller, dumber) goes into a frenzy every time, leaping up onto the arm of the sofa, tail lashing the air, and doing this demented feline machine-gun impersonation – ‘Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-AH!’ – as if shooting the gulls down mid-air. Any one of them would be big enough to carry her off as the giant roc did Sinbad. Seriously, the idea of this cat lasting even five minutes out there on her own is absurd. There’s something about small seems to double-down in the natural world on feisty: shrews pursue each other through the chippings on the flower-beds, sending dusty puffs of bark into the air whenever they meet, like small atomic explosions; whilst the colony of wrens who have taken up residence in our otherwise undistinguished selection of spiky shrubs have territorial sing-offs and joust almost to the death. There are grebes out there on the water, a pair of them doing their springtime disco mirror-dance (head up, head down. Head up, head down. Head bobble, head bobble. Head up, head down. Big fish, little fish, cardboard box); prelude to tiny baby grebes, stripy as toothpaste and streamlined as if extruded from a tube. There are cormorants, too, also bobbing up and down as they fish (‘Guess where I’m, going to surface next! Nope, fooled you!’), then hanging themselves out to dry off like big tattered flags. Why Mother Nature thought there was a place for a non-waterproof diving bird in the grand scheme of things I have no idea, but no corner of the dock is complete without one of them at present, wings extended, baring their all. C’mon ladies, they seem to be saying. Smell me pits.

And then there are the coots. I should preface this by saying that technically, my neighbourhood coots are citizens of Millwall, and then further explain for those not up on English football that for years, the favourite chant from the terraces for any Millwall fan was ‘No-one likes us. No-one likes us. No-one likes us. We don’t care,’ sung to the tune of Rod Stewart’s We Are Sailing. During the worst of the bad old days of football hooliganism, Millwall was synonymous with getting your head kicked in. It’s moot as to how much, even then, Millwall deserved their lousy reputation; but clearly it was something in the water, because the Millwall coots are thugs. They’re bloody awful parents too, apparently, semi-starving their multitudinous broods of chicks until the weakest ones quietly die, but the anti-social behaviour sets in long before that. Let one Millwall coot spot another Millwall coot in the water at this time of year, and the pair of them round on each other, heads lowered, and power forward at ramming speed, like something out of Ben Hur, whilst the cootettes gather in a huddle to the side, squeaking ‘Leave it, Gary, leave it! He’s not wurf it, you know ‘e’s not!’ Not only that, but let any bit of seasonal bovver start up amongst the moorhens, say, or the resident mallards, and every coot on the dock streams toward the aggro at once. I’ve watched one have a go at its own reflection in a floating plastic bag, piling in with those comedy lobed willow-green feet in a slap-fest of fury. The amount of testosterone these daft birds have in their systems in spring-time is absurd. They’re positively fizzing with it, like an out-of-date yoghurt. No flipping wonder that they’re bald!